Finding a Space to Breathe.

September 30, 2008

it’s been awhile since I’ve had words. i recently went on vacation with peter. the stench and chaos of las vegas was still embedded in my clothes for days after leaving.  the imposing stillness of the muddy red rock formations provided a balance to the over stimulation hangover vegas gave us as a souvenir.  sedona was beautiful. the rocks silently exist with this ever changing beauty that no film can quite capture. clouds rolls across the stoic formations and the whole mood of the landscape changes. i felt like they were silently encouraging us to breathe. perhaps it was the elevation that had me at a loss of breath, the clean air or maybe it was the way the rocks invited me in, that left me speechless.

i left craving more.

before arriving in sedona, we were able to visit the grand canyon. when we arrived, i was full of tired and stubborn tears. the kind of tears that creep up on you without reason. i wish i could say it was the beauty of the canyon that stained my cheeks but it wasn’t.  when we drove  into the park, i felt tired and a bit worthless to be honest.  all i could think is “who am i?” why am I sad right now? why am i frustrated? it was horrible to feel like i didn’t have space for the grand canyon and my personal emotions at the same time.

i had to pee.  i walked quietly by myself to the restroom, which seemed to be a mile away. i left peter behind to take pictures while i  decompressed. in a matter of  a few minutes, i was feeling better. i returned to peter happier but still mixed up inside. the worst part is trying to explain to someone else why you’re so sad on vacation. sitting on the edge of such  a powerful natural landmark  healed me.

the thing about having a great boyfriend is that they don’t judge you. sure, he was quietly frustrated with me. however, he also knows me and knows that  each small storm that rises eventually passes. he doesn’t get worked up. within minutes i was dry eyed and smiling letting the vast openness of the canyon work it’s magic on me. it kind of feels like it can eat you. it’s so powerful and strong.

i would love to return to the grand canyon. it was more then i thought it would be.